An Open Letter to My Republican Friends

I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that McCain is lagging in all the polls and in all the key battleground states with only a few weeks between now and the general election. You're thinking that Sarah Palin was a bad VP pick and, though touting her outright in public, you are contemplating how different the race could have been if McCain had selected someone that would have been good for the country and not just for his campaign (quite obviously, I might add).

You are thinking that his ads on TV are bitter and desperate sounding, the death rattle of a campaign that has lost it's foothold and never had any relevance to the greater American population who has been suffering. You are furious that McCain, who parades, like every other Republican candidate, on a platform of conservative ideals and claims to be a family-man, to follow Jesus, to despise abortion and gays, is actually losing to a man like Barack Obama. And you are wondering why. How is this possible? Sure you have plenty of scapegoats and ill-informed opinions that you can harangue everyone around you with, but you actually know. You know full well why McCain, the war hero who puts "Country First," is losing.

It's because you already voted for Barack Obama. Yes, you. You don't believe me? You voted for him twice, actually. You voted for him in 2000 when you voted for George Walker Bush. And then you voted for him again in 2004 when you voted AGAIN for George Walker Bush. No, don't scowl at me like that. It's true. I'm trying to think of a more tactful way of saying "You Brought This On Yourself," but, in all honesty, I can't think of one.

You voted for the war. You voted for the economic crisis. You voted for the worst downturn in American history and the most diabolical Vice-President who was in charge of the most inept, clueless Commander-In-Chief this country has ever had the misfortune of being subjected to. And you did it all because of your "conservative ideals" and your guns and your trucks and your objection to homosexuals and abortion. But guess what? There is more to being a patriot than hating gays and baby-killers.

Did you honestly think after the last eight disastrous years Americans would actually be so naïve as to grant this Republican party another four years to further devastate the country they claim to put first? I certainly hope not, because that would be downright silly of you.

America is tired. Americans are tired. America deserves better. We deserve real leaders, not people whose only desire is to keep their party in power. We deserve leaders who do what's best for the people they represent, the people that elected them, not those who are known not for what they are for, but for what they are against. My hope is that things do "Change" come January 2009. And you have helped ensure that it will.

And for that I thank you. You already cast your vote for Barack Obama. Twice.

Area iPhone Owner Stops Talking About iPhone

In a bizarre and unexpected turn of events today area web-developer, Joseph Stotch, who recently bought an iphone, actually stopped talking about it. Co-workers and witnesses recalled that weeks prior to the incident, Stotch had purchased an iPhone from a local Apple retailer and had since sought every opportunity to brandish the new device, telling them how “freakin’ sweet” it was, even going so far as to steer conversations toward the device that had no conceivable correlation. “I don’t know, he’s pretty excited about it, and that’s cool, I guess,” said Meghan Coen, a co-worker. “Maybe the novelty finally wore off or he realized that people had started avoiding him, it was really weird. For a while it was like he had to make sure you knew he had one.” When finally reached for a statement Stotch reported that “while [the iPhone is] still really cool, I could tell I was pissing some people off.” Stotch also went on the record stating he plans to buy a Toyota Prius in the near term.